Lachlan Macquarie's Mausoleum
Where the heck is it?
Right, we'll gradually scan in to the tomb's location.
Hmph. "United Kingdom", what a joke. "Violently Occupied Kingdom" would be closer to the point. Mind you, however useless the Hanoverian kings were, I'm glad the UK had them and not the ineffably useless bloody Stuarts. On the other hand, Stinking Billy Cumberland's massacres after the 1746 battle at Culloden, and the actions in his old man's name to destroy the Highlands' and Islands' celtic culture afterwards were undoubtedly part of an overall genocidal act. But, it was a long time ago, and such acts were far from unusual. Just look at whitey's settlement of Australia! Just so long as no-one pretends this joint is in any way "Great" Britain. My goodness, "United" Kingdom might be a spot fallacious, but "Great" Britain is positively fraudulent!
Macquarie's Mausoleum (or tomb, if you wish) is in the narrow bit around two thirds of the way up the island. Very briefly, our Lachlan Macquarie owned all the land between both sides of the narrow part of Mull, and much of the rest thereabouts. Not bad for a bloke born in a dirt-floored hut. But be careful of heroising Macquarie. I'm not writing that you shouldn't, but like all heroes he was human, and there's much more to him than we learn in school.
How to get there
The following maps & images (ta, googleypoos) are intended to help you plan your trip, not to be a failproof guide. However, if changes would help, let us know.
Map MT01
Map MT02: On this map you can finally see the tiny joint called Gruline. This place is on the road numbered B8035. If you are heading north or south along the western coast of Mull
Unless there's been a dramatic change over the last few years, the above sign should be the view you get on the right if you're driving southish (1 - oh, in case you're wondering, these green numbers direct you to the green footnotes down below) down the B8035, just after you cross the crossroads (2), (3), (4) - you are looking at the map, aren't you? And not the road as well. Or this website, the map, and the road (5).
In the image up above, you'll undoubtedly notice the sign points to something called "MacQuarie Mausoleum". It's just a case of "You call them 'bathers', I call them 'togs'". "MacQuarie" is an alternative spelling (for more detail, click here), and a "mausoleum" is just a "tomb". More or less. (6)
Whether you're heading north or south, turn in the direction this sign is pointing. Once you turn up this narrow lane, it's just a very short drive, followed by an even shorter walk. (7)
Good. So, if you're driving northish up the B8035, you should hopefully see the opposite side of this sign pointing off to your left.
For you northish driving people, refer to the map up above (MT03) so you know what the heck we're writing about. Those southishes were such a worry. Now, before you northishes get to Gruline, there should be a left turn to Hideaway Lodge. Don't go there (8). Then, shortly afterwards, there's a turn to the right. It's not absolutely inconceivable there's a sign to Main Gruline Farm here. Don't go there! If you're at a crossroads you've gone too far.
Okay, northishes, you're nearly there. Keep going through Gruline (9). Keep your eyes peeled to the left for a couple or three kms after Gruline. If you hit the crossroads, or see a sign for Gruline Family Farm to the right at what you now notice is a crossroads (10), then you've probably gone too far and should turn around and try again, although now you're a southish. Get it? Good. Although we're sure you won't be a worry. Not like those other southishes.
In the image up above, you'll undoubtedly notice the sign points to something called "MacQuarie Mausoleum". It's just a case of "You call them 'bathers', I call them 'togs'". "MacQuarie" is an alternative spelling (for more detail, click here), and a "mausoleum" is just a "tomb". More or less. (6)
Whether you're heading north or south, turn in the direction this sign is pointing. Once you turn up this narrow lane, it's just a very short drive, followed by an even shorter walk. (7)
Good. So, if you're driving northish up the B8035, you should hopefully see the opposite side of this sign pointing off to your left.
For you northish driving people, refer to the map up above (MT03) so you know what the heck we're writing about. Those southishes were such a worry. Now, before you northishes get to Gruline, there should be a left turn to Hideaway Lodge. Don't go there (8). Then, shortly afterwards, there's a turn to the right. It's not absolutely inconceivable there's a sign to Main Gruline Farm here. Don't go there! If you're at a crossroads you've gone too far.
Okay, northishes, you're nearly there. Keep going through Gruline (9). Keep your eyes peeled to the left for a couple or three kms after Gruline. If you hit the crossroads, or see a sign for Gruline Family Farm to the right at what you now notice is a crossroads (10), then you've probably gone too far and should turn around and try again, although now you're a southish. Get it? Good. Although we're sure you won't be a worry. Not like those other southishes.
Footnotes
(1) That's an official map reader's term meaning, in this case, towards the bottom of the map up above!
(2) At the crossroads ignore the bloke with the stake in his hand, and don't get out of your car and ask him any questions (you know what small rural settlements are like, don't you? At least, when Lex lived in such settlements in Oz). (3)
(3) Again, at the crossroads, if if you're heading north and there is a sign off to your left to Gruline Home Farm you will know you only have a short distance to go, presuming, of course, there is such a sign. (4)
(4) If there isn't such a sign at the crossroads, don't make assumptions, and keep your eyes peeled to the right from now on.
(5) We hope if you are/were driving that you aren't/weren't going too fast and that whatever you're about to/you've just run into won't be/wasn't too hard, immovable, human, or animal.
(6) According to the Oxford English Dictionary, "mausoleum" dates from the late 15th century. It comes from Latin which in turn borrowed from the Greek Mausōleion, from Mausōlos, the name of a king of Caria (4th century BCE), to whose tomb in Halicarnassus the name was originally applied. There, now you know!
(7) BUT from personal experience, be very, very careful on all of the narrow roads in Britain & Ireland. We had our mirror knocked off on our way to the tomb by an English Oxbridge twit who should have pulled over to let us by, but obviously thought that, as daddy doesn't pay any taxes, he owned the road. We agree. With you, that is. We don't get it either. He leapt out of his car to give us a good "wigging", just like he used to give his fag at Eton, when he was greeted by a stream of angry Australian vituperation, which we stress only followed the idiot's nonsense. We had been quite happy to exchange details peacefully and proceed. Shocked that someone would dare to talk back, he got back in his car muttering meaningless threats and ran away. He's probably still haw hawing away about it to Bertie Wooster at the Drones Club, claiming that we wouldn't have done that if great great etc. Uncle William of Normandy had been around.
Right, Lex, glad you've got that off your chest?
Oh, yes, thanks, Bronwyn. I'm okay now.
(8) Not that there's anything wrong with Hideaway Lodge, as far as we know. We don't know the place, it's just that it's not where you should be going at the moment.
(9) For goodness sakes don't blink, or you'll miss it and wonder where the heck it is, and what these silly sods are writing about.
(10) If you see a bloke there with a set of highland bagpipes who looks like he's about to sell something precious to someone, remember his face because you've just seen the bloke who will very soon be the Robert Johnson of the bagpipes. But if he's already sold it he won't be able to play with soul. But my goodness, he'll play like the very devil! But if he's got a stake in his hands, don't stop and ask him for his autograph. However, if it's a steak and not a stake it would be worth having a chat because some of the best steaks we've ever eaten were in Scotland.